Is it possible to go too far? I never thought I'd ask that, I've always been the quiet awkward girl that never bothered to do anything in fear of pain. Emotional pain. Tonight.. I went too far. And it hurt, it didn't while in the process, but then after we felt guilty, and after a long discussion about how what we were doing was wrong, we're taking a break. Am I okay with it? I guess in some senses I needed time off to focus on God, so that's good, but is it going to be easy bouncing back? No sir. This is going to be one of the most strenuous long painful journies of my life. My heart tells me I'm going to be alone on this journey too.
Even blogging this is tugging at my heart strings. See you all later, I won't be mentally stable for a while.

Daydreaming about boys.

So I've decided something... it's really fun to day dream.
No seriously. I'm not high.
I was in religious conversion, and was dreaming about boys. Go figure. I'm a girl, it happens.

So here's my dream:
As I was sitting there doing my homework, a good lookin' (BUT NICE, a lot of cocky boys on campus.. the one who showed up.. not one of them..) Haha. Well, he does go here, but he's not cocky.
SO I WAS SITTING THERE, wow I get distracted easy...
And I was sitting, and he showed up all nicely, with a Booster Juice (my fave, p.s.) and then we were all let's go for a walk. For no apparent reason.
Well, that's about all different scences, but! As we were walking, talking, and drinking, nothing to special happened. I just like talking to him. But after a short while, we were holding hands and walking. I love holding hands, you don't even know.
Yeah, that's about all that happened unless I go into detail about what we actually talked about.
But legit. I like this guy. And yes, I talk to him. I even have his number, we text sometimes. Not too often, but often enough for sure. He's a little shy, so that prevents me from proving it all outloud sometimes.. but we have done meals together, in a group setting, and all that jazz.
I've seen him at work, and talked to him while he was doing so. Not creepy. He works here, at school. Mmm.
I like boys.
No, boy.
I like boy.
He's unbelievably legit.

Klaus Weis

June 8th, 2010. He passed away, I never told a soul, often times I find myself with tear-filled eyes. He was that go-to guy in my life that I told everything to, he was my great Uncle.

You should know your family needs help when the go-to guy is a 76 year old guy. Granted, he wasn't a normal old man. He never gave up on life, he played with us kids, went hunting, and was a wonderful carpenter. He loved helping others, especially with his gifts, like building and fixing. He loved it. He was a trooper.

He was diagnosed with Conol Cancer in.. 2003 I believe it was, might be earlier, might be later, but around 2003 for sure. The doctors figured they fixed the problem, but were mistaken when a mere 4 years later we learned that he had cancer with mass forces! Lukemia, Lung, Liver and a 4th kind that I forget. It was the worst news I had gotten ever, I didn't know how to respond. He was my rock, he was there for me, and I was there for him. (Well, me and his wife!) He refused to admit defeat, and took it on full force not letting anything get in his way, his goal was to beat it! but when you have it as bad as he did.. there is no chance.. but he was strong through it all.

In April, he had Chemo so bad that he needed a nurse to come to his home 2 - 3 times a day to help him get up, get dressed, get comfy on the couch, and occassionally stop by to sit him up, walk him around, and all the "little" things that people who have strength take for granted. My mom, being a care-aid took this role upon herself and was then left at home with my sister a lot. It was hard, my uncle was sick, and my mom was tired from helping him so long and so much and got grumpy because of it. It was a hard 2 months for my entire family.

When I did get to visit him, he refused to admit that he had no strength when it came to moving anymore, but we just sat and chatted. About whatever we wanted to.

I remember this one phone call I got at approximately 5 AM. My uncle didn't want to bother anyone, being the conciderate person he was, and tried to get himself to the bathroom, but didn't make it the entire way, and collapsed on the floor and was stuck there until help arrived. My Aunt, would have usually volunteered to do it, loving her husband and all, but she was getting old, and neither of them had the strength to get him up. My mom threw on clothes and was then with him all day. It was hard to hear that when you think it's going to be alirght for a moment, but then next.. he's collasping. right before your eyes.

June 8th, 2010. 4 days before his birthday, he passed away. 3 weeks before my highschool graduation. I still didn't tell a soul. It was secretly ripping me to pieces on the inside, I loved him, and now he was gone, and can't see me do a bunch of things in my lfe that seemily matter on earth, like graduate from highschool or college, get married, have kids, nothing.

I went the whole summer without telling anyone.. no-one from camp knew. It was hard, because I for sure would have loved to call him up and tell him all about my camp issues, and all about the joys I was experiencing! But.. he wasn't there. I was alone. Even now, as I enter college, and go through all those olderish woman problems, like college boys, and classes, and all that. I just need a good laugh, and a good set of ears, AND good advice! The only place I found all 3 was in him..

Purity. (so sorry! It's a lot to read, but take the time. It's worth it, I hope)

What are your thought on purity? This is a new beginning! But before you can make preparations for your future purity, you need to look honestly at your past...

Where have you been?

You may have struggled with at least one aspect of purity at some point in your life. It’s an issue many

believers still struggle with. You may have become a Christians after you had already had some sexual

experience. But this is important for you to understand: No matter what your past experience has been, God

offers you total forgiveness when you repent. He also offers you complete healing and restoration of the areas that have been broken - either by your own sin or someone’s sin against you.

Hosea 14:4: I will heal their waywardness, and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them.

Ezekiel 36:25: I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean' I will cleanse you from all impurities and from all your idols.

Micah 7:19: You will once again have mercy on us; you will conquer our evil deeds, you will hurl our sins into the depths of the sea.

Reflect on these a while.

This is just a reminder that God’s forgiveness and healing are available to you in the area of your purity.

Depending on the extent of your experiences and wounds, you may need to do further study on God’s

forgiveness and healing. One thing you can know now is that from this moment on, you can start over with a

clean slate. You can decide right now that you want to make good choices in the future regarding your purity.

Purity takes planning

Purity doesn't just happen, amd the heat of the moment is not the time to decide what your boundaries are. It takes planning!

Proverbs 14:15: A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps

1 Corinthians 10: 12: We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.

Lamentations 3: 40: Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.

Do you agree or disagree with the "giving of thought to your steps" and "examining your ways"?

Think of a personal situation or experience you were on that you shouldn't have been. Did you have to plan beforehand to prevent you from getting there? How might might a plan helped you prevent it?

Which of the following scenarios might benefit from some advanced thought and planning?

*Whom will I (or won’t I) date? What characteristics am I willing to let go of and which are

a definite necessity if I am going to date him?

*Where will I (or won’t I) go with him? How much time will we spend alone together weekly?

*What is my physical standard of purity? Am I willing to discuss this with him? (Does he

respect my boundaries?)

*When will I say “I love you” to someone? When is too soon? What needs to happen first?

*How important is it to me that we spend time together seeking & worshiping the Lord? What

will I do to assure that we do it?

*If the relationship needs to end, how can I do it or accept it with forgiveness?

It’s important to know that there aren’t necessarily right or wrong answers to the above situations. Your

answers may differ from someone else’s because you’ve had different experiences and have different areas of

weakness and temptation. This is why it is very important to involve the Holy Spirit in the process of deciding

your standards or boundaries. He can lead you into truth as you submit this area of your life to Him. You will

then be able to stand firm in your convictions instead of struggling to adhere to someone else’s.

Purity 101: Godliness

One of the clearest passages on purity is 1 Thess. 4:3-8. These verses address our conduct (our godliness),

who is affected and how. Let’s look at them now.

1 Thess. 4:3-8:

“3It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4that

each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable,5not in

passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6and that in this matter no one should

wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we

have already told you and warned you. 7For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy

life. 8Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his

Holy Spirit.”

What does sexual immorality have to do with our sanctification?

How does considering your brother-in-Christ's purity before the Lord affect your purity choices?

What are some ways you can `look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others’ (Phil. 2:4) regarding purity and godliness? (consider specific areas such as how you dress, movies you go to, etc.)

What is God’s will for you regarding your purity?

Obedience isn’t really obedience until the choice is between your will and God’s will. This is where the

`rubber hits the road.’ It’s easy to follow God when you’re in agreement with his will for you, but when your

will for yourself is different than God’s will for you, you have a choice to make between obedience and sin

(See Ro. 6:16).

Why does Paul conclude this section with the reminder that God has given us his Holy Spirit?

The Purity And Contentment Connection

There’s one area of purity you may have not given much thought to. It is your thoughts - more specifically - your fantasy life. Do you have a fantasy life? You know, how you innocently day dream about meeting Mr. Right - when or where it will happen; what he’ll say to sweep you off your feet; or how Mr. Right will come one day and rescue you from your current ho-hum life and make everything exciting and perfect? Maybe your fantasies don’t involve a `Mr. Right.’ Maybe they begin with the `if only’ trap. If only I had that other job, then I could be different. If only I won the lottery, then I could do what I need to. Does any of this sound familiar? This area is one that grips many women. One of the problems is that it isn’t really talked about. Living in a fantasy world can be very destructive to both your present and your future. Why? Fantasizing will

destroy your contentment. What does contentment have to do with purity? Let’s look at it together.

In the Greek, the word for contentment is defined as “sufficiency with oneself as spoken of a satisfied mind.” When you’re living in a fantasy world or even if you just visit there to escape the real world, you are not letting your mind be satisfied - you are not being content with where Jesus has you. The Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth, works to lead you into truth, and you limit His work when you live in a fantasy life. Sin’s battles are often fought and won in the mind (See Romans, chapters 6-7). If you are playing your desires out like a movie in your mind where you not only wrote the script, but you are also the director, you will begin to find that nothing in reality satisfies you. You may even begin trying to manipulate your relationships to look like the fantasy. Or, when the world offers you the chance to have what you’ve been fantasizing about, it will be much harder to walk away from it and see it as it really is - a poor substitute for Jesus. This is addressed in James 1:14-17:

James 1: 14-17: but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don't be deceived, my dear brothers.Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

How appropriate it is that James tells both sides of the story. On the one hand, you can nurture your desires in your mind until you are so deceived by them that you begin to act them out until they are all you are living for. Or you can live in truth, knowing and experiencing that every good and perfect gift is from your Father. It’s only in this truth that you can be content. And only when you are content with letting God be God, trusting His good plan for you, will you be able to make choices that will encourage your purity and godliness.

That is why Paul could say, `for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance.’ (Phil. 4:11b). He knew Jesus as his truth - his reality, regardless of his circumstances, so he was able to accept whatever God had for him without escaping into the `if only’ or `what if’ traps of fantasy.

Now you have some time for personal reflection. Take a few minutes to journal (or you can use the back of one of these pages) as you examine the kind of fantasy life you have. Has it compromised your purity? Take it to the Lord and tell Him about it. Tell Him what hurts and why you’ve been trying to escape it. Tell Him what your hopes and dreams are (i.e. if you want to get married one day, what your dream job is, etc.) and ask Him to help you trust His plans for you. Pour out the contents of your heart to the God of all comfort and the Father of compassion.

Where do we go from here?

Remember how this started? A new beginning! Review the sections briefly. What areas is God leading you to really concentrate on nad apply to your life?

Write down your convictions and commitments regarding purity.

Write down your boundaries where you can easily review them.

Pray, pray, and pray again.

Choose a verse and memorize it, and meditate on it.

What does this verse mean to you?

Don't second guess, just go.

You know when you think "What would have happened if I had done this when the opportunity presented itself?" Well, recently, there was this ballin' dude. Not the same as last time, BUT, he's still ballin'. He asked a group of people to coffee, but really only one, and no-one took him up on the offer, because they didn't know him that well, but I sort of did, soI really wanted to.. but didn't go. and now I wonder what would have happened if I were to perchance go with him. ..... Hmmm .....

Life in College

As I sit here in the 2nd floor lounge, I was thinking.. College. It's so crazy, people are all so different and unique, and have all CHOSEN to come here.
It probably looks like I'm getting lots done on my paper, when really, I just created this blog! so exciting. I wonder if Becca will find me. She has a blog too. on the same ... website. Ish. The blogspot part yeah.
ANYWAYS! So I'm sitting here, with 3 other people, all wonderful, but so different. Rebekkah, the red-headed girl who likes to get ahead in her school work. She's really an awesome person and I love to talk to her, she's really happy and innocent, but she's 22 this year. And John, the guy who seems like he's really immature and has a little kid sense of humor, but actually knows a lot more then he gets credit for. He's silly, but get;s work done when he needs to. And Mike, oh Mike. If only you knew, haha. I really hope no-one reads this, especially you. That'd be so awkward. Mike is that foreigner and knows a lot of English and is really proud of his heritage. :) We're from the same place, except I'm not so proud of it, simply because I was never there that long at all ever. I moved around a lot and I hated it. Well, I loved the scenery, but I never called a plce home, so.. I really like him. That's all. Haha. I like that he likes where he's from, but I wish I was in one plavce long enough over there to say I was as well. I liked looking, but it felt like a disingenuine vacation. That's all.
I'm supposed to be doing a paper right now, but I am currently not. Too much fun in here, alot of people come through here, it's like the lobby almost! The lobby is definetely the most popular place to be, but this lounge tonight. Ooh, girl. Tonight it is popular. Kendrick, Byron, Aimee, Melody, Cynthia and Brennan all walked on through with words to say. Others walked through, said maybe a word or two and left again. It is rather popular tonight. Hoe many times have I said popular describing this place? Popular, popular, popular... that words sounds weird now...